Things haven't been good, they really haven't.
I'm simply only blogging again because somebody told me too and that it might help so here it goes.
I'm the type of person who takes on our people's problems, I like it when people off load onto me if it makes them feel better. Even when I'm at breaking point if I can help somebody I will but one day you won't be able to and you have to be selfish and put yourself first this is what happened to me. I felt as if I was failing at life, I couldn't be bothered with my relationship and I wasn't interested in the same things anymore. Some days I wanted to see everybody other times I didn't even want to look at my phone. Sometime I feel high on life like nothing can ever bring me down I do stupid things at stupid times of the night like walking or driving at 3/4am. The next day I'm shattered but I can't sleep as my mind is still working and thinking about what I can do next then a few days later I'll simply crash I feel lost, depressed and lonely this is when it gets scary because I can't be bothered anymore with life or people. Nobody can cheer me out of the mood it's like I fall into a slumb.
Then the anger starts I can switch so quickly over nothing, it doesn't matter who or what. It's terrifying because I hurt the people I love and I don't even mean too. This anger isn't just shouting and screaming this is the type of anger where I want to trash my room and smash things up. I can't calm down all I do is just boil and cry because I can't control it. My top talent is pushing people away the ones who actually care about me but this is because I don't know how to deal with it.
For the last 5/6 months I've hidden all of this from friends/co-workers and even family because I just don't know what to say or people will just freak out when they realise how messed up it really is. I've been going to work and I use the excuse 'I'm tired' when really I've been out driving all night just to try and tire myself out to get some shut eye. I'd be relying on energy drinks to give me some sort of boost during the low points they'd then give me the shakes, I'd be doing my job and suddenly lose control and start crying because I'm shattered and because I can't hack it anymore and I just want somebody to take me out of here and cuddle me to sleep.
Sleeping wasn't my only trouble the next thing was eating. I used to eat loads I'd constantly be eating, craving McDonalds or KFC but now because my mind is on overdrive I literally forget to eat then when I need to eat I don't want too so I never have the energy its just like a never ending circle of problems.
I now know that it's okay not to be okay and there is help if you need it. Just be honest and real to yourself and nothing else matters.