They say 'things have to get worse before they get better' and I never quite understood what they meant. Now its the only thing that makes sense.
Depression is such a hard subject some people won't talk about it until they've put it in the past and others throw it around just because they cried over a film. It's so much more than that so much more, its like you don't have a purpose like you don't even have a reason. Constantly feeling tired even though you've slept for days, over eating and then barely eating. It's never ending you don't know how your going to feel, the hardest thing for me is having a really good day and then having a really bad day.
Now I'm going to personal it's only happened once and I never attempted it but things got so bad that I didn't want to wake up again, I even googled how many tablets of paracetamol it would take just to end these thoughts and feelings. I never felt so low in my whole life. These are things I haven't even told my friends and family because I'd hate them to know but here I am telling the whole of the internet, you can get help and you can feel better and its important that you know that. I know what my friends/family will say when they read this they'll say 'you should have come to me' but no everybody has lives and people don't believe you. It was about 3am I was arguing with somebody and I felt the world crashing down, yet I still got up the next day and went to work. It was then the person who I was arguing with who actually cares about me said I need to see somebody before I do damage to myself.
I booked the appointment that day and told my boss I had to go, I drove to my house and met my friend who promised to come with me. I was honestly terrified, I've never felt so scared in my whole life yet all I was going to do is tell a professional what was going on in my head. The whole time I was heading there I kept thinking what a complete waste of time this is, I'm not sick and I haven't got a cold. My doctor was lovely and infact amazing he asked loads of questions and gave me what I needed, the tough bit was that he signed me off work for a month and at first it sounded great I get some time to relax and find myself again then the realisation kicked in and I thought I can't live on SSP it barely covers my car insurance.
I made a plan that I'd take the first two weeks off and have a catch up with my boss. First week was nice I caught up on some sleep and just caught up with people I hadn't seen for a while. Second week I caught up with my boss and just went over how I was feeling and if I'd missed anything which I hadn't. Then I returned back to the doctors for my catch up and things had been okay and I'd had no side effects. I then contacted my boss and set up a date for me to return back to work. It would have been lovely to have the whole month off but financially I can't and to be honest it would have made me worse in the long run.
I've had this post in my drafts and I didn't want to post it but I now feel like its time to help others. I couldn't finish this post as I wrote it so long ago I don't know how I was going to end it.
It's crazy to think we are in 2017, I feel like I honestly missed 2016. Here I am to ramble on about the good and bad of 2016..
2016 started off the worst it ever could I lost my beautiful Nan on the 2nd January. I then battled depression badly for a few months around September and I honestly didn't think depression would ever affect me but it can literally get anybody. Anyway I don't want to go on too much about the negatives because we are going on to another year.
I had some big changes in 2016 too for the better, I changed jobs from Next to an office-based job. I passed my driving test and adopted my little Polo which I am a tad obsessed with. I then crashed my beloved Polo with my two bosses in the car, this isn't the way to go about a pay rise is it?! Thankfully we was all okay and the Polo could be fixed! I also dyed my hair purple and raised over £200 for Stroke Association. I made the best of friends at work, BIG UP CS TEAM. I also have the best relationship after nearly losing it completley, I also have the best cars friends too!
I feel like I'm prepared for 2017 now and I can finally enjoy this year and try not to worry, my only resolution is to be happy and improve my car.
Over and out!